Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Muffin Man

After an exhaustive afternoon of walking up and down Drury Lane in 90 degree weather with 100% humidity, I am damp and pleased to announce that I have found the Muffin Man and gotten an exclusive interview.  He told me that he has something that he wishes to clear up, for the record.

He says that "she" is not married to him, and never was.  He met her at a frat party in college, they spent one drunken night together rolling in the hay (literally, since said frat party apparently transpired in a barn), and then she went all psycho-crazy-stalker on him and started telling everyone that they were married.  She wrote "The Muffin Man" song to prove her undying love to him.

"I would appreciate it if everyone would stop singing that !@#$ing song and spreading her lies, thank you very much," says the Muffin Man, who lives on Drury Lane. "I am now very happily married - to someone other than that psycho tramp - and have 12 beautiful children, and I am quite sick of all of her nonsense."

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Who Wants To Live Forever

I have just returned from a trip to England to answer this very question. As it turns out, Freddie Mercury DID want to live forever, but apparently his attempts at making a Horcrux failed. Death has a cruel sense of humor, I find.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


After a very expensive plane ticket and about a week of wet and dismal sleuthing, I am pleased to say that I can answer Within Temptation's question, that the reason why it rains, rains, rains down on Utopia is in fact because a Rain God by the name of Rob McKenna has been living there.  

I coerced my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, into pulling some strings (having an Evil Twin does come in handy every once in a while), and Rob McKenna has now been banished to Aipotu on a trumped up charge, so Utopia should now be all set as far as the weather is concerned.

Friday, August 19, 2011

What Have You Done? (Part 2)

I've kept quiet about this for too long, now, and the time has come to step forward and admit the truth about what I did to incite the wrath of Within Temptation.  Back in college, I went to a party at Sharon den Adel's apartment in the Netherlands, and I left the toilet seat up.  She never got over it and, well, the rest is history. 

I still think she rather over-reacted, what with all the proclamations of us now being mortal enemies, but musicians do tend to be hyperbolic.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

What Have You Done? (Part 1)

Dear Within Temptation,

Yes, I would terribly mind it if you killed me. And yes, I would also mind if you tried (though possibly not as much as if you succeeded).

Friday, July 29, 2011

My Immortal

Dear Twitlighters,

I really DO hate to burst your bubble, but I'm afraid that I have to let you know that Amy Lee in fact did not write "My Immortal" for "Twilight."  This is evidenced by the fact that "My Immortal" was released in 2000, and "Twilight" in 2005.

This may come as a shock, but the entire world actually does not revolve around your fandom.


The Rest of the World

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

After several years of intense interrogations and "Inception"-style reconnaissance work, I am happy to report that I have at last figured out what Annie Lennox's sweet dreams are made of, and I must say the results are rather disturbing.  Apparently her sweet dreams consist of caveman heads, being 17 again, and Dave Stewart dressed up in a spandex zebra costume.  Sometimes it is wiser to avoid delving into an artist's psyche...